When to Call It Quits...

[RCharleston]

Have any of you ever faced a major life crisis involving the physical and mental disintegration of a loved one residing under the same roof where you live and make art? Do you think it is better to stand one's ground under a circumstance like that, i.e., "My life is my art and I will not give it up to sit with you 12 times a day for 20 minutes apiece and reassure you that there are no strangers plotting against you from the other side of the television screen." or do you think it's better to just give up artwork in a situation like that and do whatever hand holding you need to do in order to live with your conscience at the end of the day? There is no money for sitters. No relatives that want to be involved. No well meaning social worker's "resources" that have turned out to be anything up and above a total dead end. At what point does one just damn well pack up the easel and paints to the attic and write thank-you-for-your-kind-support-through-the-years notes to the collectors of one's work? Sorry if this sounds angry. It's angry and heartbroken and full of guilt all at the same time.

[RobinZ]

Oh, man...my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're having an incredibly hard time.

[T.Wayne]

My family comes first, art comes second or what ever. Mental illness or what ever you are describing is something serious and family should be your number one not come second. Someone in your family has a problem, try to help them and if you cant, get on with your life. I've been in that situation, I know how it feels.

[ensnaturae]

You sound despairing right now - but its a very good idea to throw the question open for discussion, imo.
Its very hard for me to try to imagine your particular circumstances, and when I did - I realised that its too easy for me to add details that might make some solutions seem easy - when for you they might be impossible.
If you feel like being more precise - describing the situation in more detail, perhaps some extra input might help you find other possible choices, other ways to manage the situation?
At least - talking about it as a *specific* set of difficult circumstances, to be overcome - might be useful?
Id think of it this way, to begin - just because it seems impossible right now, even though you have already almost given up, doesnt mean it has to remain so. There could be several solutions, and many people do find ways to overcome 'hopeless' circumstances. If you talk about it more and explain it more - maybe other people here have experience to draw on?

Originally Posted by RCharleston

Have any of you ever faced a major life crisis involving the physical and mental disintegration of a loved one residing under the same roof where you live and make art? Do you think it is better to stand one's ground under a circumstance like that, i.e., "My life is my art and I will not give it up to sit with you 12 times a day for 20 minutes apiece and reassure you that there are no strangers plotting against you from the other side of the television screen." or do you think it's better to just give up artwork in a situation like that and do whatever hand holding you need to do in order to live with your conscience at the end of the day? There is no money for sitters. No relatives that want to be involved. No well meaning social worker's "resources" that have turned out to be anything up and above a total dead end. At what point does one just damn well pack up the easel and paints to the attic and write thank-you-for-your-kind-support-through-the-years notes to the collectors of one's work? Sorry if this sounds angry. It's angry and heartbroken and full of guilt all at the same time.

[ensnaturae]

I thought of it like this - I imagined that as long as I was close enough to the person to make them feel safe, but seperate enough so that I could continue to paint etc - I could make it work.
For me - as I imagine it so far - it would be a question of how to construct some kind of safe work space, that kept me close to the invalid, without it seeming to be a hostile space for the person who needs care. I would have to wear ear plugs that shut out a lot of the sound, of TV etc, but not enough to cut me off, or shut them out completely. I would want to make it possible for the invalid to watch me and see me working ...as close by as possible.
I would want to construct some kind of routine that made it possible for the invalid to have the kind of exercise - that would relieve some of their stress so that they might sleep more peacefully, and perhaps adjust my working hours to that time.
Thats the kind of solution I would think about, that may be no use to you at all.

Originally Posted by RCharleston

Have any of you ever faced a major life crisis involving the physical and mental disintegration of a loved one residing under the same roof where you live and make art? Do you think it is better to stand one's ground under a circumstance like that, i.e., "My life is my art and I will not give it up to sit with you 12 times a day for 20 minutes apiece and reassure you that there are no strangers plotting against you from the other side of the television screen." or do you think it's better to just give up artwork in a situation like that and do whatever hand holding you need to do in order to live with your conscience at the end of the day? There is no money for sitters. No relatives that want to be involved. No well meaning social worker's "resources" that have turned out to be anything up and above a total dead end. At what point does one just damn well pack up the easel and paints to the attic and write thank-you-for-your-kind-support-through-the-years notes to the collectors of one's work? Sorry if this sounds angry. It's angry and heartbroken and full of guilt all at the same time.

[alfreda]

I went through a patch not unlike yours and there are no easy answers, as you probably have figured out. In my circumstances I started to do artwork that didn't require long episodes of time, and did smaller work. I could sit on the couch or at the table and paint faces on stones, or small paintings.

It's hard not to feel resentful, and I know how emotionally draining it is dealing with a loved one going through this BUT you NEED your art, and I don't believe you should give it up, just work differently. Is it possible to encourage your loved one to sit and do some craft projects? I used to work in a mental health center where clients would become absorbed in various crafts, the key was finding which craft would be the most appealing. Are there any centers in your area that do craft projects with patients/mental health clients?

[Scottyarthur]

I am so sorry for you, and your loved one. I am sure it is a very troubling situation to deal with, for me Family comes first, always, but there is you as well and to ignore your own needs will only lead to more resentment. never give up your dream, but you may have to do you art less often and as alfreda says, smaller works or ones that take less time. quick sketches maybe. Best wishes and prayers

[mame]

I cared for my mother for the three years before her death so I can speak from some experience

Based on the couple of images you have posted on Wet Canvas, it looks like you have a bent for figurative works.
Why not work while you are sitting with your loved one? create a series to chronicle your experience?
Use whatever creative license you wish - i.e., setting, props, etc.

[RCharleston]

Thanks to all for the replies.

[RobinZ]

Hope things are a little better....

[Kevin...]

I'm not sure how cooperative this other person would be...but have you considered a series of pictures involving this person and the surroundings...including the T.V.? Alan E. Cober did something similar for the New York Times called "the forgotten Society".
Probably not much help there....but it might give you a mutual option and an out at the same time.

[Dallen]

Are you talking about Altzheimers? If so, it will probably comsume most of your focus and energy. Do not pack your paints away, but consider making a nice hot fresh Turkey lunch with gravy and potatoes several days a week, and work while the trytophane sedates your family member into napping the afternoon away.

I have been a full time caretaker for 15 years now, and it did radically alter my artwork making time, as it is now broken up constantly, as I meet the needs of someone who cannot do for themselves. Fortunately, most of their mental faculties are intact, so that makes it easier to del with.

A number of years ago, I lived with a family member with Altzheimers and the need for reassurance was constant, as was their need to supervise their every move. It destroys your mental focus, any schedule you may try to set, and changes life in a thousand ways. It can be overwhelming, heartbreaking, exhausting and completely time consuming. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been through it can understand the toill it takes on you. Actually, I'm sure they don't understand. Because, it is also painful to watch happening to a loved one, and it engenders fears about your own future vulnerability, it also causes guilt in you, because you resent what it does to your life, no matter how loving you are.

Your artwork is essential to you, and you must not totally let it go, for your own peace of mind, let it be a refuge, even if you must draw or paint at 3 in the morning. If you do not hang onto your art, it will have a bad effect on both you and the family member, because you wil have sacrificed too big a part of yourself to be of much use to anyone.

It is also important to know when it is time for the other person to be cared for in a facility. It may not be now, but if it is Altzheimers or Dementia, that time is coming. The more of yourself that you can hang onto, the better able you will be to do what is needed by your family mamber.

It is hard to accept when family members are less than useless in helping, but unfortunately, this is very common. Their seeming indifferance and lack of help can make you crazy, if you let it. I know that the family members who visit every week or every couple of months or call occassionally, are busy telling themselves that "I'm helping care for XXXXX", even though they clearly are NOT, and they probably either advise for you, or criticize you as well. I just had to write them off and thank my lucky stars that I'm not them, and learn to expect nothing from them. Am I angry about that? You bet! but I had to let go of that anger too.

My heart goes out to you, in this tough and challenging time. All I can say is that I have grown and benefitted from what I learned in my role as caretaker, and looking back over the past 15 years, it has been and continues to be a good experience that has taught me more than I can say. I respect you foer what you are doing, but hang onto your Art.
.
.

[RCharleston]

Originally Posted by Dallen

Are you talking about Altzheimers?

Yes.

...and thanks so much for your input here.

[snoball]

I'm afraid you will have to decide for yourself if you have to give art up for a time. No one can tell you how physically and mentally exhausted you are going to be. 3:00 in the morning sounds good in theory but I found that when I got a few minutes to sleep an atom bomb couldn't have woke me up.
I cared for 3 different family members with terminal cancer as well as an aunt with Alzheimer's. (not all at the same time of course) I was doing 36 hours at a hitch and then running home to do laundry, see my husband and grab a few hours sleep so I can speak from experience that you will be so exhausted that you will go to sleep with food in your mouth at a meal. You can use your waking hours to plan all the art work you will get to do later since these things do eventually pass. Appreciate the time you have with your loved one, no matter what condition they are in and if the opportunity presents itself do paint, draw or whatever.
I feel for you......

[tortolitas]

So what's the possibility of doing some freeART therapy... get rid of the TV and create a shared studio space?

Paint those plotters under the light out in the open or draw what it all feels like...?

Paint memories...