Ghosts of Incompetence Past

[jaydiva]

Originally Posted by Phyrie

I have withheld my opinion on any other works, as I am so new, I felt that it wasn't my place to criticise yet. However, I can no longer keep still.


ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!! This is scary on so many levels, I don't know where to begin. It has something for so many different phobics: the clown mouth, the alien eyes, the bald head, the wormy tendrils orally escaping from it's innards, the nose Michael Jackson wishes he had, translucent skull with visible brain, Frank Burns' chin....oh, please, make it stop.

I concede the crown. Take me off the list of nominees. In fact, take any knowledge of me away, far far away from the horror that is this painting.

Is it going to come after me because I said that? OH NO! Now I have THAT to worry about.

Phyrie
(It's still looking at me...oh dear....*shudder*)

Good Lord, that scared me!!!!
Jeeepers ... just as i was innocently browsing the net ...

[jaydiva]

Originally Posted by tgsloth

So...this lovely 16x20 is now at the Habitat store. Those guys will take anything. But I kept the frame.

oh my ... oh dear ... all these fleshtones ... very disturbing, indeed, very disturbing

[Lynn Quinn]

Originally Posted by Colorix

Lynne, don't you recognize Jabba the Hut?!!

Charlie

Ummmm......Jabba the Hutt in a really bad wig, maybe!

[Spyderbabe]

Oldradagast - I see the evil face but I thought it was a cigarette hanging out of his mouth...
TG - what in the world is that Habitat store that takes in art like this??

[oldradagast]

Patty (Starsprite): I am glad that my latest addition to the Doomsday Landscapes Collection (Available now for only $29.99 plus shipping and handling!) was able to scare somebody! Yes, indeed - the ash cloud leaves and mustard gas trees are truly special!

[mackb]

Originally Posted by Dana Design

mygod, Mackb, my self-portrait is the Mona Lisa compared to this. That is truly scary. Perhaps one tab too many?

Well, I certainly enjoyed knowing that I did something spectacular. I had hoped one day to leave people in awe of my work, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind... lol...

Thanks to Dana and all the others who have kindly kicked me for painting such trash. This particular thread is probably the best thing WC has done for all of us. We all obviously had issues and guilt over our yucky paintings to deal with. I have had such fun and even my wife the nonartist is enjoying this thread a lot.

Now come on all you "experts" let's see your worst, and I mean that literally.

[mackb]

Originally Posted by Spyderbabe

ejtupi - great post ... hysterical....you figured out something that some folks never 'get'... the """OH thank you""""...this is really a BUMP post........

Everyone is invited to my house for drinks to celebrate... I have plenty of ice!



It was colder earlier but I wanst up yet

Spyderbabe, you think a mere -9 F is cold, try -45F with wind chill in Northern Ontario. It was -35 C at night last 2 chilly evenings and warmed all the way up to -15 today. And snow? let's just say that we get 10 cm (4 inches) of flurries at a time. I think even the antarctic is more fun than here.

[Nandie]

Originally Posted by jaydiva

oh my ... oh dear ... all these fleshtones ... very disturbing, indeed, very disturbing

My thoughts exactly.... I see too many potential body poses in there.... are you sure this wasn't a life drawing gone bad?

[ejtupi]

Look at the following image and tell me what you see:


Nothing, right?
Do you know why that is?

It's because I cleverly concealed a shape in a spot that is not on the Golden Mean. Your eye is not able to find it. You see nothing but a white field, devoid of a Center of Interest.

Now, look at this image:


Much better now, right?
You readily see that this is a picture of a grey dot.

Do you understand how this can help you in your painting? Let me be more explicit: All the great painters have learned that humans only look at four places on a canvas, regardless of its size or shape. Those are the four places that lines drawn 1/3 of the way across and 1/3 of the way between top and bottom intersect. You can pretty much stick a picture of a hunchback in the middle of the canvas and all people will see is the apple you painted on the Golden Mean.

Look at the History of Art and you'll better grasp what I'm saying. Have you ever heard of the Mona Lisa? Of course you have. It's a well known landscape painting that includes, in its center, a picture of a person (or, perhaps, a cow...I simply can't recall right now, because the Golden Mean in that picture is simply chock full of content).

This, of course, explains why portraiture is so difficult, since you have to stick the person in one of the four "hot spots" and find some way to fill up all that irrelevant space in the middle. Then again, the smart artist remembers: when in doubt, just fill the middle with a big blue dot, because no one will ever see it.

In my next installment, I'll explain why putting a fence in the foreground of a landscape is a No No. (Hint: Your eyes are not able to jump over fences...)

[Nandie]

I'm soooo confused? The first picture I see is of a big red dot, not a white field..... what am I missing?

[ejtupi]

You'll recall from one of our earlier lessons that the Viewer (your customer) is rather helpless in terms of his or her ability to see stuff in your picture (we'll pretend it's a guy, because it's not going to offend women to make a guy seem stupid).

This will shock you, but most art buyers don't even know the Rules of Composition. So, for instance, like the uncultured slobs that they are, what do you suppose they do? That's right, they look smack dab in the middle of a painting to see what it's about! What yutzes! They don't even know that they're supposed to look at the Golden Mean Hot Spots!

So, guess what else they don't realize? You're way ahead of me on this, aren't you (because you peeked at the picture, probably)? They don't realize that their eyes need A Place To Rest! Such fools!

Let's look at an example that will illustrate my point (I'm fairly certain I have a point). In order to really drive home this lesson, I will employ Irony, which is a subtle literary device that only the Cultured Sophisticates (me and several others) know about.

View this picture and tell me (okay, tell yourself, since you don't have my phone number), what is wrong with it?



That's right! You're doing great!

Despite this being a picture of many beds, your eye has no place to rest! It's a maddening jumble of images you simply can't sort out! Arrrrgh!!!!

Now do you understand what Irony is? You just saw it, even if your eyes were frantically scrabbling to find A Place To Rest.

End of lesson.

In a future installment, I'll explain how you can lead the viewer's eye Right Out Of the Picture and make sure it never returns! (Hint: It involves subtly hiding arrows pointing away from the Golden Mean within the picture.)

[ejtupi]

You'll recall from an earlier lesson how we told you that it's important to learn to spell if you want to become an Advanced Painter. So, for instance, we stressed the difference between Complimentary and Complementary. One of those words refers to color stuff (don't worry what it means, just accept it) and the other refers to people's reactions to EJ's Art Lessons.

..ahem....

Now, let's briefly discuss how to make people think that some of the things in your picture are very close and some are verrrrrrrry far away. How do we do that? Simple: Atmospheric Perspective.

I know what you're thinking: EJ, please keep the number of syllables to a minimum in these art terms.

Well, bummer, I had to learn them and so do you.

Let's look at an illustration that will reveal the essence of Atmospheric Perspective.


In this picture, which is closer: the members of the famous Blue Man Group or the Red Guy?

Correct! The Red Guy!

See, you allowed me to use a Masters Level Painting Trick to deceive your eyes! Without knowing it, you recognized that things that are farther away will appear cooler and things that are close to you are warmer.

You no doubt recall me tellng you that there is no cooler color than blue (it's why jeans are blue, and cool people wear jeans). If you need another mnemonic device to remember that, try this: Blue is the color of your mother-in-law's hair, and you know how chilly she treats you!

Conversely, red is considered a hot color. (I have no idea why this is, but it's one of those Mysteries of Art that we simply have to take on faith.)

So, in our illustration, despite all sorts of evidence to the contrary, Atmospheric Perspective worked to subconsciously make you believe that the Red Guy was almost close enough to touch, while the famous Blue Man Group seemed virtually miles away.

Weird, huh?

End of lesson.

In a future lesson, we'll discuss how to be more "painterly". (Hint: It involves using brushes inappropriately large and generally slopping the paint on.)

[LynnDigby]

Originally Posted by ejtupi

You'll recall from one of our earlier lessons that the Viewer (your customer) is rather helpless in terms of his or her ability to see stuff in your picture (we'll pretend it's a guy, because it's not going to offend women to make a guy seem stupid).


So, guess what else they don't realize? You're way ahead of me on this, aren't you (because you peeked at the picture, probably)? They don't realize that their eyes need A Place To Rest! Such fools!

Let's look at an example that will illustrate my point (I'm fairly certain I have a point). In order to really drive home this lesson, I will employ Irony, which is a subtle literary device that only the Cultured Sophisticates (me and several others) know about.


Despite this being a picture of many beds, your eye has no place to rest! It's a maddening jumble of images you simply can't sort out! Arrrrgh!!!!

Now do you understand what Irony is? You just saw it, even if your eyes were frantically scrabbling to find A Place To Rest.

End of lesson.

I fixed it for you, EJ. Eyes are resting now. Except that one in the middle that keeps jumping on the bed.

[oldradagast]

Hahahaha! I love these "art lessons!"

[Starsprite]

Originally Posted by Nandie

I'm soooo confused? The first picture I see is of a big red dot, not a white field..... what am I missing?

Ya know....I get the impression he is pulling our legs Nandie.....

LOL Lyn...about the "resting eyes".