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  #46   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-27-2002, 07:31 PM
DanaT's Avatar
DanaT DanaT is offline
A Local Legend
New York, USA
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 9,384
 
Hails from United States
Joe,

I was all excited to share this joke, then I re-read it and there's not a Irisher in the lot!

Aw, what the hell? I'll share it anyway.

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the French are the cooks, the English are the policemen, the German are the mechanics, the Italians are the lovers, and everything is organized by the Swiss.

In Hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the policemen, the French are the mechanics, the Swiss are the lovers, and everything is organized by the Italians.
  #47   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-27-2002, 07:49 PM
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jaytee jaytee is offline
Resting in Peace
Kington, Herefordshire, England
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 17,829
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Joe

I only know three jokes and this is one of them!!!


Paddy was going for a job interview and as part of the procedure was given a short intelligence test by the personel officer.

Said he to Paddy........" whats got four fingers and a thumb and is made of leather?"

Paddy pondered...."four fingers and a t'umb and made of leather..........................no, oim sorry sir, oi don't know the answer to that'

Said the PO " Its a glove. Never mind though, here's the next question. Whats got eight fingers and two thumbs and is made of leather ?"

Paddy pondered again...."eight fingers and two t'umbs and made on leather...............eight fingers, two t'umbs ...........no, oim sorry sir, oi don't know the answer to that either'

Said the PO............ 'Its a pair of gloves. Never mind. Try this one. Who is the President of the United States?'

Paddy's face broke into a smile............ "Please sir.......... oid like to try that one ........... t'ree gloves!"
__________________
All my pastel portraits HERE ....currently being updated! Website : www.JayteesArt.co.uk : also needing updating ! ...... and over in Facebook 'Self Portraits Studio' and just re-discovered this wonderful group here 'Self Portraits Join in the Fun'
  #48   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-28-2002, 07:38 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Belfast. N.Ireland
 
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Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink Very good Jaytee

I pure sign of Irish logic !!!!

Joe
  #49   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-28-2002, 10:12 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink Bog standard

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:13 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

Joe
  #51   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-28-2002, 10:14 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Oh my !!!

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:20 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink Some Irish Blessings !!!!

Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.
--------------------------------------

May your pockets be heavy-
Your heart be light
And may good luck pursue you
Each morning and night
--------------------------------------

May the good saints protect you
And bless you today
And may troubles ignore you
Each step of the way
---------------------------------------
( I like this one especially !!!!!! )

Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.
---------------------------------------

May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now
And bless you evermore.
---------------------------------------

May brooks and trees and singing hills
Join in the chorus too,
And every gentle wind that blows
Send happiness to you.
---------------------------------------

These things, I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit of o’ sun
A bit o’ cheer
And a guardian angel
Always near.
----------------------------------------

Hills as green as emeralds
Cover the countryside
Lakes as blue as sapphires-
And Ireland’s special pride
And rivers that shine like silver
Make Ireland look so fair-
But the friendliness of her people
Is the richest treasure there.
----------------------------------------

Deep peace of the running waves to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the smiling stars to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the watching shepherds to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you
AN OLD GAELIC PRAYER
---------------------------------------

May good luck be your friend
In whatever you do
And may trouble be always
A stranger to you.
----------------------------------------

May your home be filled with laughter
May your pockets be filled with gold
And may you have all the happiness
Your Irish heart can hold.
----------------------------------------

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:22 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink

A cop pulls up Barty and Joey-Jim, both the worse for drink, and says to the first,

"What's your name and address?"

"I'm Barty O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Joey-Jim O'Flaherty, and I live in the flat above Barty."

Joe
  #54   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-28-2002, 10:25 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink What is an Irishman

WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN
An Irishman is a man who?

May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies...
Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle....
Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood...
Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so
inconvenient for his neighbors....
Scorns money,
but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor...

Joe
  #55   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-28-2002, 10:25 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink

Jimmy-Joe's attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed:

He ran out of scaffolding.

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:26 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:34 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink

As Sigmund Freud said: "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."

Heres why !!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.

Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.
---------------------------

"Why in the name of Heaven," asked the weary passenger, "did they
build the railway station
three miles from the village?"
"Ah," nodded the porter, "they must have thought it would be a good
thing to have it near the
trains."
----------------------------

The Garda watched Mulligan desperately trying to open his front door
as he swayed from side to
side.
"Here, Mulligan," he said, "can I help you with that key?"
"Nosh at all, Guard. I can manage the key if you -hic- could hold the
house steady."
----------------------------

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin
Airport. "I've come to meet my
brother," said the Irishman. "He's flying in from Boston. I haven't
seen him in 45 years."
The American said, "Will you recognize him?" He said, "Not at all. He
didn't even send a
photograph." The American said, "Will he recognize you?" "Of course
he will, sure I haven't
been away."

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:36 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink Twins !!

A Irish school-inspector visiting a small village primary school was struck by the great resemblance between two small girls sitting at the front of the class.

"You must be twins", he exclaimed.

"No we are not", replied the little girls firmly.

"Well then," said the inspector to the first girl, "how old are you?"

"Nine years and two months."

"And how old are you?" he asked the other girl.

"Nine years and two months."

"Then you definitely must be twins."

"No we aren't, we're all that's left of triplets."

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:41 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
Wink The Drunk Passenger

A prominent Irish minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.

"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Kerry."

Joe
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:43 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
A Local Legend
Belfast. N.Ireland
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Posts: 6,547
 
Hails from United Kingdom
A Big Pools win.

Soon after an unsuccessful Irish Street Trader died, his widow won a large sum on the football pools. One of the neighbours came round to congratulate her and remarked

"What a pity it is that your Patrick can't share in your good fortune."

"Oh, but he will", declared the widow indignantly,

"I'm paying to have him dug up from the back of the cemetery and moved to the front."

Joe

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