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  #31   Report Bad Post  
Old 02-27-2002, 05:13 AM
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thorstein thorstein is offline
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isle of man
 
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I cheated Joe
My son Harry brought that one home from school and I added the Irish bit.
sorreee!
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:00 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink Mark

It doesnt matter, most jokes can be changed to suit whatever the situation, I hadnt heard it before and they COULD have been Irish nuns

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:06 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Three Irishmen found themselves in Hell: Pat, Mick, and Joseph. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4-, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Pat, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Pat was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Mick, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Mick, like Pat, was whisked off.

Joseph, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford.

Delighted, Joseph jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying, "Cindy, you have sinned..."

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:18 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Use to denote nudity/mature subject matter Irishman and Englishman

There was once an Englishman and a Irishman who lived next door to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens' eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Irishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Irishman pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up to the Irishman and told him that the egg belonged to himself because he owned the hen. The Irishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Irishman agreed to this and so the Englishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Irishman and kicked as hard as he could in the nuts. The Irishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Irishman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Englishman replied "Keep the egg."

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:24 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink The Sheep Farmer

A Irishman approached an English sheep farmer and said, "If I tell you how many sheep you have down in the valley, can I keep one?" The farmer glanced at the vast field of sheep, eyed the stranger carefully, snickered, and then accepted the bet. The stranger looked carefully across the rolling hills, scanning it left and right, then said, "5,279."

"Holy Cow!" the startled farmer exclaimed. "How did you do that?"

"Well, I'd rather not say," answered the man. "Now can I have my sheep?"

The farmer sighed, "A deal is a deal, I guess." The stranger picked out an animal and began to lead it away. The farmer watched in silence for a moment, then called after the man. "Wait! If I can guess where you are from, will you give me back my animal?"

"Fair enough," the man agreed with a grin. "You're from County Kerry in Ireland," guessed the farmer.

Instantly the stranger's smile turned to a frown. "How did you know?"

Well I'd rather not say," the farmer answered. "Now can I have my dog back?"

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:27 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink The Nobel Prize

An American is driving down a country road in Ireland when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:39 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Use to denote nudity/mature subject matter The Baby Photographer

The Murphy's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Murphy kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to....".

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Murphy cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Paddy and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Murphy.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Murphy said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Murphy exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Murphy.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Murphy, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Murphy leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Ma'am?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:41 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink

Three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Irishman are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then, executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then, executed.

The Irishman requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES ????, the guard replies"

"Yes, Strawberries."

The guard says, "But they are out of season!"

"So, I'll wait..."

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:47 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Goodnight

By the time Paddy pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed -- I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted".

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," Paddy assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Paddy came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." Paddy said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," Paddy said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:51 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink Run!!!

An Irishman and Scotsman were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them.
Paddy took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on.

The Scotsman, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

Paddy replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 10:10 AM
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orchidlover6 orchidlover6 is offline
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the land of frustrated working artists
 
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Death Row

There was a German, an Italian and a Irishman on death row. The warden
gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. to be shot 2. to be hung 3.
to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."

(Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."

(Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this
guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the
guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and
he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."
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Old 02-27-2002, 10:18 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink Orchid

Your getting there, but methinks the Irishman started out as a redneck lol.

Joe

( still, I hadnt heard it before )
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Old 02-27-2002, 11:25 AM
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orchidlover6 orchidlover6 is offline
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the land of frustrated working artists
 
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how about this one joe!

Pat and Patrick. were having a beer in the local watering hole when they suddenly heard a loud burst of laughter.

"What're those guys laughing at," asked Pat.

Joe Majury. He's about the dumbest guy in town. Got married so many times, he just married one of his former wives again and didn't even know it."

"Boy, that is dumb!"

"And he never would have found it out except that he recognized his mother-in-law!"



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Old 02-27-2002, 11:27 AM
joemajury joemajury is offline
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Wink Orchid

ROFLMAO, now you REALLY are scraping the bottom of the barrel.
That sounds like a fate worse than death

Joe
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Old 02-27-2002, 06:54 PM
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arlene arlene is offline
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