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Old 03-20-2017, 05:01 PM
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MatildaArt! MatildaArt! is offline
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Re: the first line of a novel

Hi La, I agree that first lines are very important but I think first paragraphs are what really make or break it. Even if the first line doesn't make me tingle with excitement I will always at least read the first paragraph. If after that I'm still not interested then bye bye!

I like the first one much better than the second! The fact that it appeals to me emotionally rather than situationally to me is a good thing! Plus it's funny and humor will grab me every time!😜 Maybe just shorten it a bit.
She had learned over the years how not to burn her nose while lighting a cigarette she found on the sidewalk.

Glad to see you're plugging away at it👍🙋🏻
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Old 03-20-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: the first line of a novel

Quote:
Originally Posted by musket
The good writers I know all have two things in common-- they're voracious readers, and they're merciless revisers of their own work.

Yes to all of this
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Old 03-20-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: the first line of a novel

Quote:
Sorry, Jon, but La's original version is more evocative than your revision.
No problem at all. I was just ruminating on the first part of the sentence which is why I placed the ______ for La_ to continue on with it.
An interesting thread and I am appreciating the many responses.
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Old 03-20-2017, 11:26 PM
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La_ La_ is offline
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Re: the first line of a novel

whell, what a fantastic bunch of responses and words to chew on - thanks so much to everyone!

I didn't paint at all today, edited instead, for about seven hours, so i'm feeling pretty productive, yay me!

I've parked the 'weirdly' written novel for now (the dirt and mud one) in favour of this one, it being the first of the duo, tho i wrote it second. Definitely makes sense to get it fully organized before getting too committed to the details of the second, which came first, if one looks merely at history within it.
lol, confused yet?!

Anyway, both have 50+k words to them, convoluted as they are, so the basic premises are there, but editing, yeah, so much to do, so much to clarify, so much dialogue to add and refine.

It really is a completely different creative challenge compared to painting and my brush agrees, it's the keyboards turn.
Anything to avoid marketing artwork!

so, thanks again, you're thoughts really have been very helpful

la
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Old 03-21-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: the first line of a novel

Quote:
Originally Posted by La_
whell, what a fantastic bunch of responses and words to chew on - thanks so much to everyone!

I didn't paint at all today, edited instead, for about seven hours, so i'm feeling pretty productive, yay me!

I've parked the 'weirdly' written novel for now (the dirt and mud one) in favour of this one, it being the first of the duo, tho i wrote it second. Definitely makes sense to get it fully organized before getting too committed to the details of the second, which came first, if one looks merely at history within it.
lol, confused yet?!

Anyway, both have 50+k words to them, convoluted as they are, so the basic premises are there, but editing, yeah, so much to do, so much to clarify, so much dialogue to add and refine.

It really is a completely different creative challenge compared to painting and my brush agrees, it's the keyboards turn.
Anything to avoid marketing artwork!

so, thanks again, you're thoughts really have been very helpful

la

Anytime you can get in 7 productive hours is a good day!

Good luck with the editing!
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Old 03-21-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: the first line of a novel

I don't understand the 1st two words of the first sentence and, their significance toward the rest of the sentence. She came - are those words needed? Wouldn't one just need - having learned so much .... Blah blah blah...

Back to the drawing board for me.
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Old 03-22-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: the first line of a novel

thanks croggly and ian
i'm on it

la
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Old 03-22-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: the first line of a novel

Good luck with it, la la la!
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Old 06-05-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: the first line of a novel

Okay, so y'all were so grand about the first line, let's go with page one - with the inevitable question: would you turn the page or toss the book?

Then that's it, 'til it's done and published (will post a link when i get there o.O ) [eternal optimistic perseverance is my friend].

...

“She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.”
Charles Bukowski

CHAPTER KLEIN


She came having learned stuff over the years, like how not to burn her nose while lighting a cigarette butt she found on the sidewalk. She knows now, when lying in a strange bed at night thinking about ways to die, why it’s hard to think about ways of living. Or when in the same position and different spot in her brain, thinking about someone else dying as a good dream, as a little better than the places where loved ones fail to live.
She’s learned it’s hard sometimes to think beyond. Beyond worry of acceptance, beyond anybody else, far beyond what others might think, beyond bad exposure, bad choices, bad people - beyond – and into the wild open yonder of imagination without limitations. Without limitation. Isn’t that something. It’s a very trusting place, a very confident place, a very consuming place and she tries to get there.

She wanders streets at night, meanders country trails framed with lights, catching and releasing herself and others perpetually. She judges only in her mind; cares deeply about nothing while believing there is no such thing as nothing.
A neglected dog incessantly barks and she shoots it in her mind, watches it writhe to a permanent sleep, watches it float away to try again for a better life. The barks fade as she walks and thinks of a body decaying under tuber roots, waiting for her to reclaim it for installation in a vision of transparent blue beauty tacked to a clear board, a butterfly display of bones with no glass necessary, a tactile experience, please touch.
A shiver runs through her and into her loins and she damns him and the tremors, her teacher, her mentor, her guiding force, her stupid phucking phather.

ART
A human form with tiny plaster breasts placed precisely. Pubic shadow hides between pelvic bones thrusting out like wings, enveloping, protecting potential procreation. The leathery egg of a snake placed just so where a fallopian tube once hung dangling an ovary. Dirty kneecaps. A ring placed loosely on the fourth metatarsal of the right foot, a ring finger of sorts. Beautiful bones, touch, they are warm, just above room temperature, gently sanded smooth. A delicate vine grows down between the fore arms sleek bones, rooted in the growth plate. Finger tips, distal phalanges hooked softly, precariously on an upper rib, hovering over the void that once held a pumping muscle. No one will notice it’s a male skeleton. No one will know. The thumb points to the throat. Right side clavicle prepares itself as a perch for the small owl wrapped in cheesecloth, squirming in maggots under loam and rocks next to the driveway, she’d hit it with her truck recently, devastating, but not unusable.

She walks alone in the cool spring rain, meandering through the forest edge, in and out and the squirrels nag for it. Klein doesn’t hear their chatter, she’s lost in her own thoughts. Everything is moist, dripping; her hair sticks to the side of her face.

She gravitates toward an old farmhouse, sees and hears the children playing on what was once a whitewashed verandah, sees their mother through the now glassless window, kneading the bread and father smoking his pipe outside, watching the children play and the fields breath in the refresh of rain. Klein sits outside on their giant chopping block and watches the family, watches the children play quietly with sticks, watches their mother load the loaves into the oven, watches the father rock in his chair, unsmiling. No one is smiling. There is no music or humming or tapping of feet, there are no little girl giggles. The birds are quiet here and Klein tries to understand why the scene is disturbing. She takes a picture and they all disappear.

...

la

p.s.s.t. for the curious, page two, etc. gets into her trip, her arrival, her moving into this new area, where her current story unfolds.
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Last edited by La_ : 06-05-2017 at 03:52 PM.
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