St Pats jokes 2002 !!!!!!
I have been asked to start this thread again, so that all the Irish jokes will be in the one thread and make it easier to print out.
As I stated last year, these jokes are NOT meant to offend, so if you are easily offended, then please, just DONT read them.
Please feel free to add any of your own Irish jokes to this thread.
To check out LASt years thread ( to see if your joke is in it )-
A build up St Pats day 2001
Here goes :-
Belfast Library recently burned down.
Obviously a lot of students were upset as they hadnt finished colouring in their books :D
An Irish women walks into the chemist ( drugstore) and asks the chemist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies " Certainly I do, do you want to buy some ?"
She replies "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does ?" :D
Three young candidates for the Priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans pxxxx.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly dancer costume.
She begins to dance around the first candidate.
Even before she has begun to remove her veils : Ting - a - ling goes the little bell...
Oh Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self - control. Go take a long cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.
As Patrick leaves, the dancer continues slowly dancing around candidate 2, peeling of layers of veils.
As the last veil drops: Ting - a - ling
Joeseph, Joseph says the Monsignor, You to are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long cold shower and pray forgiveness.
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate.
Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor " Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great Priest.
Now go and join your brethern in the shower.
Ting - a - ling !!!!!!! :D
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
:D :D :D :D LOL Thanks I need that.
You are NOT paying attention, this one was told just the other day.
DO try to keep up !!
" When I die " said Paddy O'Donovan to his best friend, " I want you to get a bottle of the finest Irish Whiskey, and pour it over my grave. Will you do that?"
"Surely," said his friend. " You wont mind if I pass it through the kidneys first, will you?"
okay - how about this one then...
Accident with a Texan
Murphy was driving the horse and trap home from the pub on a warm summer's evening. Beside him sat Toby the labrador, great guard dog and constant friend. Suddenly the still of the evening was rent by a tremendous engine noise and round the tight bend in the country lane came a huge Mercedes car doing at least seventy miles an hour. Behind the wheel sat a red-faced Texan who chewed a fat cigar and drummed his fat fingers on the dashboard in time to the ear-splitting quadrophonic car radio. Too late the American realised he couldn't pass Murphy and the cart on the narrow tarmac strip - too late he realised he should have braked thirty yards ago.
Too late the Mercedes car smashed into the cart scattering horse, dog and Murphy to various points of the compass.
As Murphy lay in a daze bemoaning his fate, he saw the Texan go over to the stricken horse. Realising its legs were broken the Yank drew out a .45 pistol and shot the beast dead. Going over to Toby the dog, it was obvious that its back was broken - 'bang', a second shot rang out, ending Toby's misery.
With that the big Texan came over to Murphy.
'Hey buddy, are you all right?' he asked.
'As God is my judge,' muttered ashen-faced Murphy, 'I've never felt better in my life!'
or how about this one
There was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning,
outside the pub.
An Irishman named Pat wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into
the street, then onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of
the pub. He was hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth
while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other.
A small crowd begins to grow when, finally, the constables arrive on
the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather
inebriated and irate young man, one of them approached him and asked,
"Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "Sshumbody stoll me car!"
"Well now lad," the constable inquires, "where was your car last
time you saw it?"
Waving his hand in the air in the front of himself, as if to put the
key into the ignition, the Irishman says "Wey, it was at the eind of
At the same time, the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's
zipper is down, and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks "Are
you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "Oh
me God, they got me girl too!"
The first one was in a thread just the other day, by Bendaini
and the 2nd one was in my thread from last year - check it out.
Keep trying, I would LOVE to hear a new one ROFLMAO
Now, why did you not link the first thread...
I can't do my research, but they are starting in the email:
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline
employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill"
Ive put the link of last years thread into the start of this one, before adding your joke - check it out - its Probably there !!
All your 3 are DJ, although they still make me laugh :D
Whats the difference between a Kerry wedding and a Kerry wake.
There is one less drunk at the wake :D
The Harp that once through Taras halls
The soul of music shed,
Now hangs quite mute on Tara's walls -
They've got karaoke instead.
A Dubliner sent a message to a farmer he knew in the country:
"Please send bag of Potatoes. If good, will send check."
He got a message back.
" Please send cheque. If good, will send potatoes :D
Farmer Gilligan: " My Bull fell down a hole. I had to shoot him."
Farmer Gilhaney: " You shot him in the hole?"
Farmer Gilligan: "No, I shot him in the head. " :D
The worse thing about him is, when he's not drunk, he's sober :D
How old was the deceased, asked an observer at a funeral.
"Oh, very old," replied one of the mourners. "He was eighty - five."
"Thats not so old, " returned the other.
"Why if my father was alive today, he'd be a hundred and twelve :D
A young man had just announced to his Uncle that he planned to study for the Priesthood. The Uncle was overjoyed.
" I couldnt be more pleased, "he said. "I hope to live to hear you preach at my funeral. " :D
5 Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish Border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them " It is illegal to put 5 people into a Quattro."
"What do you mean, its illegal?" asks the englishman.
"Quattro means 4" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the car" replies the englishman.
" Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry 5 people"
" You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy " Quattro means 4. You have 5 people in your car therefore you are breaking the law."
The englishman replies angrily, " You idiot ! Call your supervisor over !"
"Sorry, " responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Paddy walks into abar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another 7 times before the bartender asks him " Why do you keep looking in your shirt pocket ?"
Paddy replies, " I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks attractive, I will know Ive had enough to drink "
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
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