View Full Version : Ask a Stupid Question, Get a Stupid Answer

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12-06-2011, 04:09 PM
Answer the stupid question, and then ask another stupid question.

For instance:
Why does the tea kettle whistle?
To get the attention of an attractive cup.

First stupid question:

How would you live without art?

12-06-2011, 05:04 PM
How would art live without ME?

If you mate a bulldog with a sh*tzu what would you get?:evil: Stupid board won't even let you spell the name of a dog.

Maureen Grantham
12-06-2011, 05:35 PM
a schubulltzu!

Would you get better paintbrushes if you crossed a boar with a squirrel?

12-06-2011, 06:17 PM
no, you'd just get a cross squirrel.

So, is it raining outside?

12-06-2011, 09:00 PM
No, someone just decided to powerwash your house!

So, is your refrigerator running?

12-06-2011, 09:07 PM
No I tied it to the wall..

If you walk backwards toward the East will you get there before yourself?

12-06-2011, 09:18 PM
Yes, at least until I turn around.

If I melt dry ice can I swim and not get wet?

12-06-2011, 09:28 PM
I like you, you remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

Why do you press harder on the remote when you know the battery is dead?

12-06-2011, 09:59 PM
To share some energy with the battery... of course!

Why can't the Energiser Bunny stop making noise?

Maureen Grantham
12-07-2011, 06:15 AM
It is meant to remind you not to buy that sort of battery.

Why are there more adverts on tv than programmes?

12-07-2011, 06:53 AM
They need the program to pay for the commercials, sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Why do monkeys swing from trees?

Maureen Grantham
12-07-2011, 07:30 AM
Because they don't have play parks with swings.

Why is the sky blue? Surely it can't be sad?

12-07-2011, 07:37 AM
Because our eyes contain thousand of rods and cones, which are the receptors for light. Whenever one of the 3 Stooges pokes you in the eye you see a giant blue spot. And then there is the reflection of all the blue Christmas lights from the earth........

Why is water wet?

Maureen Grantham
12-07-2011, 03:36 PM
Water is just another way of saying wet, see!

Why is the sea salty?

12-07-2011, 03:48 PM
Would you rather it was peppery?

If a man is walking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

12-07-2011, 03:51 PM
From all the fish urine.

Why is milk white, not green?

12-07-2011, 03:59 PM
It is very confusing so drink beer!

If corn oil is made from corn and olive oil is make from olives, what is baby oil made from?

12-07-2011, 05:33 PM
Immature Soylent Green! (You won't find it on the label)

Do Soda Jerks watch the Idiot Box?

12-07-2011, 05:43 PM
You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

12-07-2011, 05:47 PM
the chicken's GPS had not been updated.

Does eating Angel food cake neutralize the effects of eating Devils food cake?

12-07-2011, 07:01 PM
Only in Michaelangelo's paintings in the Sistine Chapel....

Are there more feathers in an angel cake than scales in a devil's food?

12-07-2011, 07:09 PM
Feathers weigh nothing on the scales so it is a moot point.

What kind of people live in the Virgin Islands?

12-07-2011, 07:30 PM
Very frustrated people.

Is the Hokey Pokey really what it's all about?

12-07-2011, 07:37 PM
How could it be if you had no right hand and no left foot?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

12-07-2011, 11:08 PM
No the rest of the world is called sleep ...we should all know this!

Are ducks good at avoiding overhead obstacles?

12-08-2011, 12:35 AM
Yes, they duck them.

Why are stupid videos so entertaining?

12-08-2011, 12:43 AM
because smart ones are educational

Where does one go to be qualified as a crash test dummy, is there a 'Crash Testing for Dummies' book?

12-08-2011, 12:59 AM
Watching television provides credentials for any form of dummy.

Why do old people think back to days of old?

Maureen Grantham
12-08-2011, 02:29 AM
Of course! LOL

Why did the chicken cross the road (forgive me, my stupid brain is not working today).

12-08-2011, 07:17 AM
Oh I get it! Like humor only different...

Why do cars have speedometers that go up to 130 when the speedlimit is 55?

12-08-2011, 12:32 PM
That's for the Massachusetts drivers. We don't believe in speed limits.

Why is it referred to as raw sewage? Do people try to cook the stuff?

12-08-2011, 12:40 PM
Anyone knows that anything raw is usually better for you than cooked.

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

12-08-2011, 01:02 PM
Only if you talk in your sleep.

On rainy nights, does the sandman send the mudman?

12-08-2011, 01:07 PM
of course not, wet sand goes to concrete, not mud.

What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice?

12-08-2011, 01:14 PM
You don't do that again...

Why does my shins always find the furniture in the dark?

12-08-2011, 01:16 PM
Have you ever considered lighting the place?

What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?

12-08-2011, 01:20 PM
You end up like me!

What is the purpose of my writing here?

12-08-2011, 01:21 PM
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

12-08-2011, 01:25 PM
Because they can't whistle...

Why is there a use by date on sour cream?

12-08-2011, 01:28 PM
because after that it becomes crud.

The rubber wears off your tires, right? Why are not highways inches deep in rubber?

Maureen Grantham
12-08-2011, 05:46 PM
Bouncy roads, what fun!

What happens to turkey feathers at this time of year?

12-08-2011, 06:38 PM
Maybe they put them in pillows to go with wet blankets.

Why do people walk all over their house hunting for the remote just so they won't have to walk across the room to change the channel?

12-08-2011, 08:15 PM
Because not everyone can climb Mt. Everest.

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

12-08-2011, 08:22 PM
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

When you put a sheet over your head on Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?

12-08-2011, 08:42 PM
If the wind is blowing you'll need three of those sheets!

Do crooks get a free drink at the Police dept when they get their mug shot.?

12-08-2011, 08:43 PM
Depends on where you cut the holes.

After the hurricane is gone, where do people put all that plywood?

12-08-2011, 08:46 PM
They apply it elsewhere :)

How do you draw a blank?

12-08-2011, 08:57 PM
If the wind is blowing you'll need three of those sheets!

Do crooks get a free drink at the Police dept when they get their mug shot.?

Who drinks a shot from a mug?

When our mind wanders where does it go?

12-08-2011, 11:02 PM
I'm still looking...

Why are there seeds in seedless watermelons?

12-09-2011, 12:12 AM
Because watermelons all come from seedy backgrounds.:cool:

Why is my question stupid? (I know what you're thinking, but please be nice!)

12-09-2011, 04:07 AM
Because you're too smart to think you have any of the answers.

What's the matter, cat got your tongue? :cat:

12-09-2011, 08:03 AM
Who ever heard of a cat with a people tongue?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Maureen Grantham
12-09-2011, 08:07 AM
No, she takes his hearing aids away. No TV then, see?!

Does it always rain when the cat washes over its ears?

12-09-2011, 08:10 AM
No, that is when a dog steps in a poodle......

Is a turtle without a shell homeless or naked?

Maureen Grantham
12-09-2011, 04:01 PM
Give him a few $$$ so he can go to an op shop and clothe himself

Why am I playing this silly game?

12-09-2011, 04:43 PM
There's always the Debates forum.

They keep saying they're going to read you the riot act. Tell the truth, have you heard this thing at all?

12-09-2011, 05:13 PM
I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

What is the speed of dark?

12-09-2011, 05:25 PM
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a - b)(a + b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
b + b = b
2b = b
2 = 1

If your shoes have a soul ...do they go to heaven?

12-09-2011, 06:23 PM
How far can you throw em?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

12-09-2011, 08:30 PM
I'm not sure I want to be in whack?

Did we ever get a definitive answer to the age old question, "How now brown cow"?

12-09-2011, 08:34 PM
We don't even know how much wood a wood chuck chucks yet.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

12-09-2011, 08:40 PM
Well, simple logic, you know glue is always trying to get out all over things!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12-09-2011, 08:47 PM
Because there has to be something to take off.

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

12-09-2011, 10:47 PM
Because there is no such thing as a chance diet... everybody will eventually loose something...

Why do you smile when you are embarassed?

Maureen Grantham
12-10-2011, 02:04 AM
Because your face is all red.

Why is blue called blue, why is it not called red?

12-10-2011, 07:22 AM
Because that name was already taken by red......

What do you go back to if you don't have a drawing board?

12-10-2011, 01:33 PM
the grindstone ...until you have no nose!

Why do we scrub down and wash up?

12-10-2011, 02:22 PM
Better leverage on the down slope if you need to scrub.

Most accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why don't we all just move 10 miles away?

Maureen Grantham
12-10-2011, 02:30 PM
That will mean twice as many accidents LOL simple maths.

Do we have to box on Boxing Day?

12-10-2011, 05:01 PM
We don't have boxing day here but you only have to put everything in boxes.

What happened to the first 6 UPs? Will there ever be an 8UP?

Maureen Grantham
12-11-2011, 05:14 AM
Don't understand Americanese!

Why do we speak different languages?

12-11-2011, 07:41 AM
All the better to confuse you with my dear. (Have you never heard of 7-UP?)

Does butterfly?

12-11-2011, 11:09 AM
No butter melts, except when my wife is in a fury.... she will throw the knife with the butter.

Whay do we agree on solutions behind closed doors?

12-11-2011, 12:13 PM
Because the best decisions are usually made on the throne.

Why is it called new math? What was wrong with the old math?

12-11-2011, 01:43 PM
Get a grip! They both work.

Was the world supposed to end this month?
Hey, did the world end? Hello? Can anybody hear me? Where is everyone?

Maureen Grantham
12-11-2011, 04:07 PM
Well the month has nearly ended, lets not bother with the world!

Why is the rest of the world upside down?

12-11-2011, 05:32 PM
The rest of the world isn't, it is only you guys who are hanging by your heels.

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

12-12-2011, 12:07 AM
Because 00 isn't pronounced zeroety-zero.

Are you referring to guys hanging by their high-heels? :eek:

12-12-2011, 07:22 AM
Well they don't know how to walk in them.....

Who did let the dogs out?

Maureen Grantham
12-12-2011, 03:31 PM
You did, but you forgot.

I wish you catch them easily.

12-12-2011, 03:37 PM
You did, but you forgot.

I wish you catch them easily.
Hey Maureen, that is a wish not a question, you're in the wrong thread. :lol:

How long is a piece of string?

Maureen Grantham
12-14-2011, 01:24 AM
As long as you make it, but don't trip over it.

Who is going to be the fairy on top of the Christmas tree this year?

12-14-2011, 02:27 AM
I did it last year so it somebody else's turn this year.

How can someone loose something as big as their 'train of thought' and is it OK to follow the tracks while trying to find it?

12-14-2011, 07:12 AM
Just don't lay on the tracks, another train of thought may be along.

If you try to fail and you succeed, which did you do?

Maureen Grantham
12-14-2011, 03:49 PM
You went wrong, off the tracks so to speak.

Did you ever try to dig for gold at the foot of the rainbow?

12-14-2011, 04:01 PM
No silly, it is in a pot at the foot of the rainbow! You don't have to dig.

What does a deaf person use for an alarm clock?

12-14-2011, 09:19 PM
Say that again, I didn't hear you...

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

12-14-2011, 09:45 PM
no glue.

We've sung about it for years, did London Bridge ever finish falling down?

12-15-2011, 12:49 AM
Not really, but the whole British economy did a couple of time...

Why do we hold high technology stuff lower than our heads?

12-15-2011, 08:18 AM
Because we are high-tech lowlife.

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12-15-2011, 11:24 AM
Yes and that especially holds true for uninvited in-laws and telephone solicitors during dinner.

Exactly how much is "diddly-squat"?

12-15-2011, 01:52 PM
I have 'know' idea but I wouldn't want to see Diddy ...squat! Yech :eek:

Can fat people go skinny-dipping too?

12-15-2011, 02:09 PM
Sure, don't you know you lose weight underwater?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

12-15-2011, 02:15 PM
If disgruntal means they squeel at a higher pitch

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

12-15-2011, 02:18 PM
No, no, they are quite selective.

Is it alright to use the AM radio after noon?

12-15-2011, 03:50 PM
Certainly not! Don't you know anything about the fragility of the space/time continuem? :eek: :D

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

12-15-2011, 03:56 PM
Of course! They eat chocolate easter bunnies, don't they?

Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?

12-15-2011, 08:04 PM
Dunno, which was made first?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

12-15-2011, 08:07 PM
Well of course it was pockets on a shirt.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Maureen Grantham
12-17-2011, 02:25 AM
Black carrots aren't.

Why do horses try to eat my orange vacuum flask?

12-17-2011, 09:15 AM
Because of what you carry in it.................shame on you. :-D

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Maureen Grantham
12-17-2011, 05:09 PM
I'd duck for cover!

If pigs could fly, where would they go?

12-17-2011, 05:12 PM
They'd just soar over the landscape, looking for a good corn field.

Is a small pig a hamlet?

Maureen Grantham
12-18-2011, 12:59 AM
Yes and also a baconlet.

Is a blot on your reputation the same as an inkblot on paper?

12-18-2011, 06:59 AM
That depends on which part of your reputation the blot falls...

If you come to a road sign that says "do not pass" and you go on by anyway, have you broken the law?

Maureen Grantham
12-18-2011, 03:28 PM
Depends on where you live.

Does a cash flow problem only flow outwards?

12-19-2011, 06:35 AM
No.. when it flows inward, we do not consider it a problem...

Why is green tea black?

12-19-2011, 07:08 AM
I'd like to help you out Alain....................which way did you come in?

Why is it called "rush hour" when you can't even move slowly in the traffic?

Maureen Grantham
12-19-2011, 05:08 PM
Because your heart rate is usually rushing along madly as you stew at the delays.

Why is it called a traffic jam when it isn't even sticky?

12-19-2011, 06:59 PM
Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring. :)

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?

12-19-2011, 07:22 PM
So you will feel guilty if you do lie :)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

12-19-2011, 11:26 PM
To get away from the duck.

Why do chickens go "cluck-cluck"?

Maureen Grantham
12-20-2011, 03:29 AM
They are cooing at the baby dove.

When everything is clean why do we call it spick and span? What odd words used in this context!

12-21-2011, 01:58 AM
Because "spick and span" is a euphemism for "spittle and fat."

Why do people ask questions?

Maureen Grantham
12-21-2011, 02:48 AM
So they get to know the answer.

Why are the shops crowded right now?

12-21-2011, 10:39 PM
Because sales taxes may go up next year....

why do people buy large TV screens?

12-21-2011, 11:43 PM
...to keep the large actors from climbing into your house through the TV, they should use the door like everybody else!

Why does a ship carry cargo, and a car carry shipments?

12-22-2011, 02:15 AM
...are you guys crazy... or am I crazy for enjoying you !!!:wave:
...Is this funny...or what??? :D

12-22-2011, 02:02 PM
If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth. :D

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Maureen Grantham
12-22-2011, 02:30 PM
I suspect it is because a day includes both night and day.

What is the best foot that you put forward?

12-22-2011, 02:40 PM
When you put your best foot forward, the other one has to be good enough to stand on so which is really the best foot?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

joe galioto
12-22-2011, 04:01 PM
because we want our hands to smell nice

does ice cream have bones?

12-22-2011, 04:06 PM
No, but it sure is good fried.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

12-22-2011, 04:44 PM
I don't know, let me ask Steven Wright. :D

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

12-22-2011, 04:55 PM
I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

Is an art thief a man who takes pictures?

Maureen Grantham
12-22-2011, 06:42 PM
Yes, photographs included.

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?

12-23-2011, 06:45 AM
Build a larger fire, he'll either go up or down.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Maureen Grantham
12-23-2011, 12:32 PM
I've never met a clown who has been eaten by a cannibal so perhaps it is true!

How do you know when enough is enough?

12-23-2011, 04:57 PM
If you're eating baked beans, you just know...:D

I always refer to any individual member of the Boston Red Sox as a Red Sock. Is this correct?

12-23-2011, 05:02 PM
Nope, not according to Dr. Seuss. It's One Sox, Two Sox, Red Sox, Blue Sox. So, it's sox whether it is singular or plural.

If you were a dog, what kind would you be?

12-23-2011, 05:14 PM
A pampered one of course!

Don't you think it's funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

Maureen Grantham
12-23-2011, 05:40 PM
But they need a new one, its Christmas after all.

What do you call Christmas Eve morning?

12-23-2011, 06:11 PM
The morning after.

If you drink a fifth on the fourth, will you come forth on the fifth?

12-23-2011, 06:48 PM
Only if someone posts your bail.

Did you know it takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs?

12-23-2011, 06:53 PM
That actually makes sense.

If a train a mile long goes through a tunnel a mile long, traveling at a mile a minute, how long will it take him to get through the tunnel?

12-23-2011, 11:06 PM
The answer depends on how fast and in what direction the tunnel is moving.

What are Barbie dolls saying about Ken this year?

12-24-2011, 09:26 AM
(actual answer is 2 minutes)

Barbie is telling everyone how Ken stepped out on her and just when she was expecting their first little Barbie or Ken, and that is why the divorce and why she is now seeing Ken's best friend, who always had a secret crush on Barbie anyway, even though he always appeared to be interested in Skipper, Barbie's sister, who was secretly admiring Ken, who............wait a minute, where was I?

If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?

Maureen Grantham
12-24-2011, 10:02 AM

How long is a piece of string?

12-24-2011, 10:07 AM
See post # 82 for the answer. :)

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

Maureen Grantham
12-25-2011, 05:36 AM
It was unlucky and ended up in the stew pot.

Why does drinking too much wine and champagne make you feel sleepy?

12-25-2011, 07:03 AM
Must you wake me up?

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Maureen Grantham
12-25-2011, 08:21 AM
Oh yes, I really, really did it (exactly what did I do?)

It evening on Christmas Day and I am full of peace and goodwill, why does this finish before Boxing Day is reached?

12-25-2011, 09:08 AM
You should have just stayed up all night and maybe it would last.

Is Boxing Day the day you "box" up all the Christmas trash and bin it? :)

12-25-2011, 12:06 PM
I thought it was the day tough guys fought for a purse.

If the police don't find it, is it still a clue?

12-25-2011, 12:10 PM
You don't have a clue, do you?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Maureen Grantham
12-25-2011, 04:08 PM
Haven't you heard of licenced to drink?!

Why do butterflies fly?

12-25-2011, 06:40 PM
Would they not look silly walking, carrying a suitcase?

If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?

12-25-2011, 09:46 PM
Mine says "harmony" in some asian language and it does not protect me from getting "honor fingers" in the morning traffic....

If road rage has roots preceding the event, why are you so tense "the morning after the thing"?

Maureen Grantham
12-26-2011, 06:26 AM
Because it is horrifying to see people get so angry over so little.

Does anyone else start their Christmas Shopping in the January sales?

12-26-2011, 07:06 AM
Now that is a stupid question! Isn't everyone just glad it is all over for a while?

What do chickens think we taste like?

Maureen Grantham
12-27-2011, 05:23 AM

Are you going to the sales?

12-27-2011, 05:49 AM
Haven't got a boat.

Why do cups need saucers?

12-27-2011, 08:10 AM
They don't. It's the saucers that need the cups.

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

12-27-2011, 12:01 PM
Nope. We go chunky dunking.

Why does the sun darken our skin but lighten our hair?

12-27-2011, 07:22 PM
Because the sun is frying your skin and you know fried food always browns. And who knows what color your hair was anyway. (love the chunky dunking)

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

12-27-2011, 10:50 PM
Yes if you follow the rules.

If you frame a picture are you cheating?

12-28-2011, 07:10 AM
What is the picture being framed for? What did it alledgedly do?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean being an artist is a crime?

Maureen Grantham
12-28-2011, 07:45 AM
Oh definitely yes, who else would want to live the life of an artist but a criminal.

Why would anyone want to swim in a shark infested sea?

12-28-2011, 08:26 AM
No problem, they are called MAN-eating sharks....

What if you take No-Doz and Ambien together?

12-28-2011, 02:24 PM
your dreams will remember you.

Why are they called flea markets if they don't sell fleas?

Maureen Grantham
12-28-2011, 03:03 PM
Because of the fleas in the 2nd hand clothes.

Why is it called fan mail if it is not fan shaped?

12-28-2011, 03:14 PM
Have you never sat and fanned yourself with an envelope on a hot day?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Maureen Grantham
12-29-2011, 12:35 AM
I refuse to incriminate myself!

How do you see if there is a zebra on the zebra crossing?

12-29-2011, 07:02 AM
Well first you must see what the zebra is crossing....

Do cemetery workers have the graveyard shift?

12-29-2011, 09:14 PM
No, you can't shift a graveyard.

Are memories memorised?

Maureen Grantham
12-30-2011, 06:54 AM
They can escape......

Do camels have a hump day too?

12-30-2011, 07:03 AM
No, that is the dromedary.

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Maureen Grantham
12-30-2011, 04:47 PM
It stops working, all out!

Why do people say, 'if the hat fits wear it', sounds good sense to me?!

12-30-2011, 05:13 PM
Do I look like an information booth to you?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did people go back to?

12-30-2011, 05:29 PM
They went back to their cave drawings.

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

12-30-2011, 05:36 PM
an Octomom?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

12-30-2011, 06:42 PM
Only if they bark.

Does the eye of a cyclone watch where it is going?

12-31-2011, 11:26 AM
I've heard of cyclone fences but never a cyclone watch.

Why do people always favor the underdog? Is there an overdog?

12-31-2011, 07:45 PM
No, just hot dogs.

Is drawing a well the same as drawing water?

12-31-2011, 10:20 PM
Only in a black hole.

If looking at a donut puts on weight, does looking at a donut hole take off weight?

12-31-2011, 10:35 PM
Only if you keep looking.

A table like a horse has four legs....can I ride it?

12-31-2011, 11:30 PM
You can as long as the table is hitched to a flying broomstick (which you ought to be able to pick up for a good price in your local magic resale shop)

How do I get my feet back on the ground?

Maureen Grantham
01-01-2012, 02:31 AM
Land on a mountain top!

Why is walking under a ladder unlucky?

01-01-2012, 07:21 AM
I never understood why anyone would want to walk under a ladder in the first place.

What would your luck be like if a black cat crossed just on the other side of the ladder and caused you to fall and break your mirror?

Maureen Grantham
01-01-2012, 08:11 AM
I'm not a fortune teller.

Hold your horses - hold them? Where?

01-01-2012, 08:14 AM
Who's got a horse? Why would you hold them?

If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long will it take a one-legged grasshopper to kick the seeds out of a watermelon?

Maureen Grantham
01-02-2012, 04:02 AM
Buy seedless watermelon in future!

How can you have half a chicken laying half an egg a day?

01-02-2012, 04:52 AM
Choose half a day of course.

Why do people ask stupid questions?

01-02-2012, 03:39 PM
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

If butterflies and Niagra Falls, then is Microsoft?

01-02-2012, 09:39 PM
Till it becomes microsless.

Pens are for pigs but do they write?

Maureen Grantham
01-03-2012, 03:19 AM
What pigs?! Never heard of a pig writing.

Do textiles text?

01-03-2012, 07:08 AM
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

What is an off the wall answer? Whose wall did it come off of? What was it doing there in the first place?

01-03-2012, 07:21 AM
(That's three questions!)
Off the walll answer is: fallen graffiti.
Whose wall? The one you last painted on.
What was it doing there ? You tell me!
What comes after 'next'?

01-03-2012, 07:25 AM
Well, next of course.

Do you get full if you swallow your pride?

Maureen Grantham
01-03-2012, 07:35 AM
You are just on an ego trip.

Where do you go to on an ego trip, what clothes should you pack?

01-03-2012, 07:38 AM
Wouldn't one just withdraw into ones self?

When you say "I could just kick myself", how do you do that?

Maureen Grantham
01-03-2012, 07:40 AM
Don't try it, its painful!

How do I know that?

01-03-2012, 08:04 AM
Tell us, on what part of your anatomy did you kick yourself?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

01-03-2012, 01:22 PM
Follow the bubbles and find out.

Do movie directors have credits at the end of their dreams?

01-03-2012, 03:07 PM
Only if they directed it. Otherwise, they don't stay around long enough to watch.

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, does that mean they were already in a jar?

01-03-2012, 05:58 PM
Yes, so long as he doesn't move on to a bushel and a peck.

How come the Midwest is in the United States, and the Mideast is way overseas somewhere?

01-03-2012, 06:07 PM
Doesn't it make you wonder where the Mid North and the Mid South are?

Why does the preacher say "I now pronounce you man and wife"? Wasn't he already a man?

01-03-2012, 07:33 PM
Had to have a wife before growing up.

If clocks tell the time how do you hear them?

Maureen Grantham
01-07-2012, 04:20 PM
You count the tick tocks, of course.

Why isn't a blue moon blue?

01-09-2012, 08:04 AM
You diluted your colors too much.

Do steam rollers roll steam?

01-13-2012, 02:06 AM
Ask Mannheim.

Who's Mistress was contrary Mary?

01-13-2012, 03:19 AM
Difficult Dave.

When you table doocuments do you eat off them?

01-15-2012, 11:02 PM
Only if they have substance....

If I die falling off a horse, will the police hold the horse for questionning?:confused:

01-16-2012, 12:53 AM
Yes..he was the last to see you alive.

Where do walking shoes walk to?

01-16-2012, 08:03 AM
They couldn't tell you to save their soles.

Why do they call it after dark when it is really after light?

01-16-2012, 06:46 PM
They couldn't tell you to save their soles.

:lol: :lol:

01-16-2012, 06:51 PM
Because they don't know the difference between black and white.

Who do 'they' think they are?

Maureen Grantham
01-18-2012, 06:17 AM
An alien from outer space

Why is it bad luck to break a mirror?

01-18-2012, 06:34 AM
You might cut yourself.

If you lie down does that mean you sink to untruthfulness?

01-18-2012, 07:18 AM
Only if you are lying in bed.

If you work the 3rd shift, are you in high gear?

01-18-2012, 05:37 PM
Only if you like mini-skirts.

Do apple seeds play tennis?

01-20-2012, 06:58 AM
Only the right handed ones.

If the temperature is 0° today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

01-20-2012, 07:12 AM
Cold enough to cause two chilblains instead of one.

If I write letters can I put them after my name?

01-20-2012, 07:19 AM
Put them anywhere you like.

If a deaf person says a bad word, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Maureen Grantham
01-20-2012, 07:23 AM
No, his ears.

Does sugar soap taste sweet?

01-20-2012, 09:18 AM
You eat some and tell me.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

01-20-2012, 05:31 PM
Not when everything is now upside down.

What do you do with a "stray bullet"? Do you leash it?

01-20-2012, 06:07 PM
No, you turn it in to the shelter.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

01-20-2012, 07:41 PM
Failed unsuccessfully!

If the phone rings do you put it on your fingers?

01-21-2012, 06:47 AM
No, I answer it with my toes.

If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?

01-21-2012, 07:15 PM
In a space capsule.

If you take a picture where do you take it to?

01-21-2012, 07:20 PM
Depends on where you are going.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

01-24-2012, 12:48 AM
Sliced eggs and spam.

Why do sheep orbit the moon?

01-24-2012, 12:54 AM
To keep it warm.

When clocks tell the time what do they say?

Maureen Grantham
01-24-2012, 06:12 AM
You're late - Again!

Why do birds sing for their supper?

01-28-2012, 05:04 AM
Tweet, tweet. Translated into English, this means: Mommy, would you please regurgitate some more worms?!

As if you really wanted to know!

Is "bleen" more blue or green?

01-28-2012, 05:50 AM
No, something in between.

Do leaves of a book grow on trees?

01-31-2012, 07:34 PM
Well duh! That's where you take the milk and give the cow a tip. (where ya been Mariette?)

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

01-31-2012, 08:28 PM
In Massachusetts it's 6% (Welcome back!)

How do mimes "talk" at night?

01-31-2012, 09:32 PM
This column wouldn't exist.

If you are patient do you have to go to hospital?

02-05-2012, 09:06 PM
it used to be thought that women's buttons were on the side easiest for their handmaidens to dress them, whereas men dressed themselves. However the truth of the matter is that they are on opposite sides to make it easier for them to undress each other. :lol:

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

02-05-2012, 10:31 PM
When they wanted to knife someone instead of love him.

What roads go nowhere?

02-07-2012, 04:26 PM
I couldn't tell ya...cause I can't find 'em.

Why don't people say "sock it to me" anymore?

02-08-2012, 05:49 AM
Because they started to do that!

Every picture tells a story...what language do they use?

02-12-2012, 04:18 PM
Sine language.

if older clocks say tic toc, what do digital clocks say?

02-13-2012, 02:04 AM
Bleep, bleep. At least that's what the bleeping ones say.

Who let the dogs out?

02-15-2012, 09:24 PM
Pretty sure it was the cat...

When setting the table, which side does the spork go, the left or right?

02-16-2012, 09:50 AM
We don't use sporks here.

Why put napkins on a table when you have a perfectly good tablecloth?

02-16-2012, 06:04 PM
Because when nappies were short the baby needed the tablecloth.

Do sensible people ask stupid questions?

02-16-2012, 07:23 PM
Do you know any sensible people? If so, ask them.

If a person with multiple personalities kills himself, has he committed suicide or homicide?

02-22-2012, 05:31 AM
We'll think about it and get back to you.

Why do flowers care what people think?

Maureen Grantham
02-22-2012, 06:30 AM
Because if you talk to them they become sensitive.

Do vegetables really scream when you pick them?

02-22-2012, 08:26 AM
I'll turn on my hearing aid and listen......

Can butterfly?

Maureen Grantham
02-23-2012, 12:16 AM
When its melted it can do anything!

Why do we run up a bill, what has running to do with it?

02-23-2012, 11:45 AM
Perhaps we should be running from the bill?

Would moisture cream help your garden in dry weather?

Maureen Grantham
02-24-2012, 07:35 AM
Only if it contains purified water.

If the world is round why don't you lot fall off the bottom of the earth?

02-25-2012, 05:13 PM
You tell me, you're the one who is down there............:D

If I dig straight through, will I really come out in China?

Maureen Grantham
02-26-2012, 02:39 AM

You gonna try?

02-26-2012, 07:12 AM
No, too many rocks on this side of the ball.

Why is ice cold?

Maureen Grantham
02-27-2012, 06:38 PM
Sigh, because its frozen.

Does icecream really cool you down?