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kate252
01-05-2013, 03:20 PM
have any of you been a target of adult bullying? i have just ended a ten year friendship because i found out my friend was completely different about me behind my back to another friend- in fact she stooped so low that this womans husband left her- he plain walked out because i reaLised his wife was was a relentless bully. he had even been a victim of this womans bullying himself. when these women were talking about me- they went to town on me- highlighted all of my faults- and didnt look at theirs. in their view they were superior and i was the person they used to feel better about themselves

this had been going on for a number of years- but i had not been facing it- i also refused to believe that middle aged women could act like this so i didnt want to face it

eventually- i discovere bad mental health problems and i started rambling- and getting confused. the bully was like a vulchure- she had been circling for a number of years- and just when i started to reveal my inner weaknesses she circled and swooped in for the kill.

and she really made a good job of it- she exposed me and my mental health- spread rumours- repeated the mad things i had come out with when i was rambling....eventually i confronted her with her own behaviour- and she eventually saw that she was twice as bad as the very worst thing i had ever said or done- because she acted in the most ruthless way.

for someone who supposedly didnt like or respect me- she sure did give me a lot of time and effort.

have you ever come accross an adult bully? and dont forget- unfortunately the adult bully can be your best friend- your lover- your partner or a relative. that is what makes it so hard to face up to and acknowledge

WthrLady
01-05-2013, 03:39 PM
Oh good grief yes!

I'm surrounded by them. It's still the same as the kids, low self esteem and a fight to show that they are somehow important or in control. As soon as you show them that tactic doesn't fly, they go way.

Too bad this was a "friend" though.

indraneel
01-05-2013, 04:11 PM
Yep, that's how it happens. It's even worse when they don't spread rumors. Chalk it up to experience and next time, trust your gut and walk away (or burn bridges and start a fight) sooner. But these things are also necessary to figure out who we are and realize that me and my time are both precious.

kate252
01-05-2013, 06:10 PM
i just went out for a long walk with my son and it gave me some perspective- so when i cam back home i planned to wipe this thread off and delete it, as i worried it might be too heavy for people. but i see i have some replies so ill leave it- and the replies have made me feel better.
my mum- before she died she told me to never take any rubbish (she was a bit more blunt than this though)


some people dish it out- as they are a bit mixed up- from now on i am being super careful and wary- i wont jump at the chance of a friend- even when you know they are a bit toxic or unbalanced- because being on your own is preferable than that kind of treatment

Yorky
01-05-2013, 06:25 PM
I think threads such as this should be in the Cafe Guerboise.

Doug

laudesan
01-05-2013, 06:40 PM
Doug, I disagree. Sorry. But Kate is among friends here and she is asking our opinion. She has a real problem, and this is where we share our problems. :heart:

laudesan
01-05-2013, 06:52 PM
Kate.

Yes i have been the subject of adult bullying. So much so, it really knocked me around badly.

My daughter gave me a book. The Four Agreements (http://www.toltecspirit.com/). It changed my life.

don Miguel Ruiz says The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.

I still have this book, by my bed, and I still read it from time to time. It is handy to be able to pick it up and reaffirm that I am on the right track.

The biggest lesson I learned, was, don't take anything personally, and don't assume. I tell myself this over and over.

I don't tolerate bullys, gossips and I will get up and walk away. Once a few months ago, I was having coffee with some friends, and a couple of the group, whom I know, but are not close to, started being extremely rude about another friend just walking in the door. I lost it. :o I asked them to stop. Nicely. I said a few other things, and they looked at me shocked, and they did stop. I was stunned. I have never done that before, and the fact that they stopped was amazing to me. They actually listened to me.
These two people, mother and daughter, can be quite vicious. They don't say anything derogatory in front of me anymore. Wow eh.

You can buy The Four Agreements from Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319) for as little as $8.00 :)

M.L. Schaefer
01-05-2013, 11:27 PM
I'm so sorry you were bullied. Some people have to have control over others, to use them, manipulate them, hurt them....it is a matter of sometimes anti-social pathology (they also tend to be liars not just gossipers or folk who ridicule).

Life much to short to tolerate this behaviour, walk away. Just say, you are not my friend..good bye...and walk away. Your self worth lives in you...know that worth and don't let it bother you. Don't get into verbal fights...that will only fuel them to gossip more! Just walk away...

I am like JJ, I can not tolerate gossips, liars, ridiculers, behind-the-backers. It makes me wonder what kind mucky soup is floating around in their minds that make them do that, and then (probably) feel glee at causing discomfort and pain, or having that kind of "control" over another. I feel sorry for them, but most of these bullies enjoy it and don't want to change! Their negativity will threaten the peace in your life. And most of us live in peace and harmony with others, not take glee or satisfaction at causing discord and pain.

I would say, forgive them, and move on with your life. The forgiveness is important, it will stop you from thinking about what they did to you, because as long as you keep thinking about the pain they caused you, they still have control over you!

Kiwi

artdragon86
01-06-2013, 03:49 AM
I have ended several friendships over the last few years because I realised that the only real contact they made with me (in spite of being fairly good friends previously) was when they wanted to make fun of me in some way (or when they wanted my help with something; other than that, I never heard from them). In one case when I confronted one friend about his behaviour (constantly belittling me about various things and saying things about me to other acquaintances that weren't true), not only did he try to make out that I was being oversensitive, but he turned several of our other friends against me as well. I don't know why, but some people can only feel good about themselves by bullying or controlling others.

If someone is upsetting you, you have the right to tell them to stop it. If they continue to do it, then they are not worth knowing, and you have every right to tell them to stuff off and/or sever contact with them completely.

I have very few friends left now, but I figure that I would rather be lonely than be constantly made to feel worthless.

kate252
01-06-2013, 06:34 AM
yes i have walked away. but im upset it took me so long to do it

very often these bullies have a low IQ,

bullies can be extremely nasty- and yes you are right- they thrive on the discomfort of others. they must be extremely insecure

i dont know if i have it in me to forgive- as a lot of slanderous things were said about me- and a lot of time spent over making me look stupid.

if i forgive them- this might mean i dont recognise it in others again in the future- and do the same thing of being naive

there is some comfort to know that there is such a thing as karma- a person who bullies like a schoolgirl cant be a very balanced person and they have to live with themselves. their emotions must be difficult to deal with- if they are prone to jealousy- envy and a poor ability to understand- empathise and relate to others.

it comes a cropper for people in the end- when their own friendships and marriages break up- we reap what we sew- and you can only treat people badly for so long- until finally those people decide to get up and walk away

laudesan
01-06-2013, 07:19 AM
Kate, sweetie, you really should get hold of that book.

molly007
01-06-2013, 06:44 PM
Kate, There is a good book called Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Really good.

If you can get a hold of Dr. Laura Schlessinger books, she's great. Case in point. When she was on radio, she could cut through the fluff and get to the issue right away.

One important thing one day was Forgiveness and I've remembered it ever since. Regarding forgiveness. As the damaged, you are not under obligation to forgive unless these 4 "R's" happen from the offending party. 1/ The perpetrator must take RESPONSIBILITY for whatever they've done, 2/ The "perp" must show true REGRET/REMORSE for what they've done. 3/ RESOLVE to never repeat the act in the future 4/ REPAIR the damage or at least take steps at repairing the damage as much as possible.

Unless and until the perpetrater goes through these 4 "R"s with sincerity, you are under no obligation to summarily forgive.
My own brother, when my mother died turned into a complete jerk.. too long a story... we haven't been in each others lives for 9 years. Different family members always come to me asking why can't I just forgive and welcome him back? My response is that I'm under no obligation to do so when he has not even started to do any of these 4 Rs. I do not let other people make me the heavy for there being no relationship. He choose the behaviors and it starts and ends with him. I wouldn't let a friend do that to me (and believe me, it's BIG) so just because he's related, I'm not going to give him a pass. Otherwise it's like I'm condoning it!

That is just my take. Do what is emotionally best for you. I too have trust issues....this was just the topper of them all! I now take the "trust but verify" approach every time.

Good luck and GOOD FOR YOU that you ended a bad relationship. She's the looser in this, not you!
:grouphug: Nicole

juneto
01-07-2013, 02:44 AM
Stay Away from Toxic people who don't make you feel Good about yourself .
FAR away ! Life is too short for that .
June:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Irishman
01-07-2013, 03:19 AM
Whilst acknowledging and honouring that everyone has the right to do what is best for them,may I say that to my mind that there is a real difference between forgiving and forgetting,although somewhere along the way,these two actions got linked together in a handy but not necessarily a wise soundbite.I would agree of course that there is no obligation to forgive,maybe ever regardless, but the cute thing,the clever thing for us,never mind the other person,is to forgive.Whilst not always easy,this act of forgiveness suits us,gets rid of the resentment,stops us carrying unnecessary baggage around for maybe the rest of our lives.

The fear that if we forgive we are somehow condoning the behaviour and by appearing to condone,will be vulnerable again to it in the future,is more connected to the forgetting part of the soundbite.Mankind would not have survived and evolved if we forgot as it is important that we remember what causes pain etc and the old story about sticking one's finger in the fire is the best and simplest example.If we forget that fire burns, we just simply keep sticking our finger in it !If the offender shows no sign or gives no indication that he or she is at least aware that they have done wrong and are consequently sorry,then it is our responsibility not to put ourselves in a position of being possibly affected by this person's potential to repeat the offending behaviour.By us forgetting or choosing to forget that the "offender" is not showing any signs of knowing they did wrong( and sometimes for a variety of reasons they might not think they have done wrong),then the chances are they will do it again.

Forgiveness is not always easy and might take time but ultimately for our own mental health,it is a real good move.We don't even have to tell the other person,never even have to see them again( if the offending behaviour appears to be continuing) but by forgiving we get rid of the weight in our heads,stop letting the person live in our head rent free and move on.

Although written in the bible,this has actually nothing to do with religion etc but is common and clever sense so that we can live our lives, as best as possible, without being bogged down with sh*t in our heads.We have enough to be going on with in everyday life without stewing over something that happened years ago and if we don't forgive,then it will not be long before it is years.If we carry a resentment,we are the only person who suffers.The other person sometimes doesn't even know we have this mess in our heads and so we lose every way and every day.I wish you peace.

doppler
01-07-2013, 03:39 AM
Essence of this ? BELIEVE in yourself. :heart: Bullying doesn't work unless you don't believe in yourself. That is the only thing that can protect you on a personal level. Know who you are. Strengths. Weaknesses. Whatever.

Having said that, workplace bullying is a totally despicable and different animal.

And rampant.

kate252
01-07-2013, 05:59 AM
yes you are right- this "friend" didnt make me feel good about myself- she judged- criticised or approved and talked about me. i gave her permission to do this to me- because i accepted it.
forgiveness is hard- because i have problems with denying things and packing them away into deep subconciousness- this is a technique i have been doing since an early abusive childhood- so i was able to deny and forget quite a lot.
thats what makes all of this so dimeaning- people knew this "friend" was playing with me- and i now feel humiliated by it.

im scared if i forgive- then i deny the bad stuff and then i dont face up to it again.

from now on- i just have to be super careful with who i mix with as i cant let this happen again.

it helps though- if i dont think if this in terms if this friend being evil- she was just unhealthy in mind and was in therapy herself-and both of us together got into this cycle. she is also completely morally bankrupt-LOL

but thats her look out- and her karma to reap as she carries on in the same vein with other friends.

indraneel
01-07-2013, 09:11 AM
I agree with Annie, unfortunately knowing oneself is even more difficult than learning watercolor. And, like learning watercolor, one has to also learn to make/recognize good friends; practice often, make mistakes, don't take it to heart. Locking oneself up is not the way to go.

Almost without fail, every time I read/see something like this, a not so great childhood also reveals itself. One who has never willingly hurt another will never know what to forgive. Besides, burn some bridges, watch them explode; that's far better than to take out bottled emotions on an unsuspecting innocent victim, even unknowingly.

kate252
01-07-2013, 11:38 AM
yep- its never right to make someone suffer for your own enjoyment- or because you yourself have a low self esteem or have been bullied.

my mum said- before she died this year of terminal cancer "dont ever take any bullying from anyone" and i think she is totally right

you should never accept it. bullies have a clever way of making you feel that you deserve it- because you are a little bit different. well you dont ever deserve it an its never warranted!

Flattwo
01-07-2013, 06:02 PM
June makes a great point, stay away from toxic people, at this stage in my life I don't "put up" with people I do not like, I drop them, I pick and choose friends carefully.

I have never been bullied or tried to bully another (maybe 245 Ibs and 6 feet had something to do with that)

There are other types of bullying as Annie alluded to, such as workplace bullyiing, although not physical can be worse as one feels trapped in enployment to pay the mortgage etc, the person or boss plays on this

I would say to anyone being bullied, face up to them, they usually back down as they are cowards

Henry

olliewood0702
01-08-2013, 09:52 AM
Bullies are cowards...that hide behind their own insecurities.

Words can be the worst enemy of a human.

(((((()))))) hugs to all who need them; be strong, stay true to who you are and hold your head high.

ArtsyMom
01-08-2013, 10:48 AM
I must say this is the first time I see a post like this one or maybe I haven't noticed this before. I wish Kate the best and think all the advice given here is wonderful. It's not easy finding a really good friend and once you do, they are hard to forget. I've had a few such friends and miss them dearly. They have passed away. I've also had some that are mean and don't bother with them. There are some family members that have given me a hard time but I try to "see" them as little as possible. I think once you have a hobby or something that interests you, you can make new friends that way too. I could go on but I think this was a very interesting subject. Take care Kate.

painterbear
01-08-2013, 04:26 PM
This kind of topic generally is found in the Cafe Guerbois (http://wetcanvas.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=26). The topics we share in Palette Talk normally are centered around art in some way or another as stated in the Guidelines here: "Share information and photos about your activities especially those related to art".

We wish Kate well and hope that this discussion has helped ease her mind and heart. :grouphug:

Sylvia

laudesan
01-08-2013, 06:26 PM
There are other types of bullying as Annie alluded to, such as workplace bullyiing, although not physical can be worse as one feels trapped in enployment to pay the mortgage etc, the person or boss plays on this

I would say to anyone being bullied, face up to them, they usually back down as they are cowards

HenryI think cyber bullies are the worst. They hide behind their keyboard, and their computer screens. They type away, without a care of whom they are hurting. They they they are "right" that they have to tell you,
because no-one else will" They are the biggest cowards.

Bullying, comes in all shapes and forms, and yes Henry a bully is nothing but a coward, and should be ashamed of themselves. The problem is with them.

painterbear
01-08-2013, 09:15 PM
I think we have said about as much as needs to be said on this topic, so I will close this thread.

Good luck to Kate. As I said before, I hope the advice and commiseration she has received have helped her feel better.

Sylvia, Moderator in the Watercolor Forum