| While at an art opening in which the artists included a statement with each work, I came to the conclusion that some artists just need to shut-up and let the art speak for itself. Yet, there are times when statements are required. What I found when reading some statements was that the artist wrote too quickly without critical re-reading, or they overwhelmed the reader with so much art-speak that the non-artist viewer would have no idea what they were talking about. Some statements were obvious attempts at impressing the reader with flowery language to the point that some of the words meanings had nothing to do with the statement. So I wrote this tongue-in-cheek guide to writing an artist's statement that directed itself at these problems. Enjoy.
1. Never allow your work to speak for itself. 2. Always underestimate the intelligence of your audience. Be sure to write long, detailed statements with pecuniously detailed explanations of every reference, feeling, and social or political opinion you might have. The more vehement you are the better. Also, analyze the formal structure of your work to educate your ignorant audience. 3. Always use the most pompous language possible. You must impress upon your audience that you are a sophisticated individual worthy of the effort needed to read your ponderous prose. Dazzle your audience further by resorting to art-speak as each opportunity presents itself. 4. Always make your sentences so long that your reader will forget the subject of the sentence before reaching its end. 5. To facilitate making these long sentences, insert a minimum of six parenthetical phrases which refer to details having no relevance to your work. 6. Use large words. However, if the meanings of these words elude you, no need to consult a lexicon. If you do not know their meanings, neither will your audience. (Besides, why should Mrs. Mallaprop get all the laughs? If this reference means nothing to you, persevere in the vein I have outlined here.) 7. In the course of writing your statement, intersperse a few witty errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation. If you decide to alter these witticisms just cross them out and scribble in the appropriate substitution. A few coarse and gritty marks on your statement reveal your are a free spirited, artistic soul. 8.Write your statement in a manner so as to make it as difficult to read as possible. If you are writing by hand, make sure your script is as small and cramped as possible. If you have a computer with a million fonts, use them all in the same document. An ornately decorative font used in all capital letters will test your audience's dedication to art by having them risk blindness trying to decipher your artistic tome. 9. If you are uncertain that you have communicated to your audience that you are, indeed, a person of superior intellect, by all means, include a little self-praise. Braggadocio never hurt anyone. 10. To enhance the aforementioned braggadocious position, sign your statement with a large, heavy, black, illegible scrawl and flourish. 11. If bragging seems insufficient, a hostile attitude may be an impressive strategy. Show your audience your disdain by using profanity. (Scatological language is particularly effective.). It also plays on the myth of the infantile, eccentric, rude, irascible artist. Van Gogh provided us with significant precedent when he cut off his ear. 12. Bragging may not suit your artistic temperament. If you are uncertain of your work and feel a need to apologize for it, do so. Any plausible excuse will do. Tell your audience that you have not worked in a while and you are rusty. That accounts for the inferiority of your work. I conclude these rules for writing an artist's statement with this admonition: follow them to the letter. I could use a little less competition. Disclaimer: As I do not wish my modest proposals to suffer a Swiftian fate with literal interpretations, I can only offer you this pearl of wisdom - Lighten Up! - Davida Schulman |